I really didn’t want to write this. It’s been hard. I’ve written out versions of what I wanted to share and then deleted it because it’s scary to be vulnerable. I’ve been told several times by multiple people that they enjoy my writing and I have always loved writing, but I don’t do it enough. Why? I don’t really even know the answer to that myself. Fear? Anxiety? Feelings of what I say not being good enough or wanted to hear? Who knows. Here I am though. Showing up. Doing it. That’s kind of been my life lately. Let me explain.
I’ve been through a lot in the last 6 months. It honestly feels like the last 6 months was 2 years. I haven’t even fully been back in Washington 2 years and yet it feels like a lifetime. How? It’s been a rollercoaster. So the last 6 months. I have thrown up more than I can even remember or count in the last 6 months to a year of my life. I can chalk some of that up to illness and travel bugs, but my body is at war against me. It feels like, most days, that there is a knife being taken to my insides. I wake up with this pain and not much can help it. The doctors are confused and so am I. So I’m just here. No answers. ER visits, doctors after doctors, and frustration.
Why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing? Well, if you’re living with near constant pain without answers, I wanted you to know, you aren’t alone. You may feel extremely lonely – I have. It doesn’t seem to matter how many people know what’s going on and offer to help, you still feel alone. I get it. I don’t want to share sometimes how much pain I’m in because I want to be better. I don’t want to annoy those around me with my daily symptoms, so sometimes I just stay quiet. You feel? Yeah. It’s hard. You show up though. At least that’s how I try to push past it. I have realized that isolating myself in my physical pain only makes it worse. And yet, some days I can’t. That’s the other part. Sometimes, if I’m honest with myself and actually listen to my body, I need to just sit. That’s hard for me. I’m a go go go kind of gal. That’s the lifestyle I’ve created, but not one my body can sustain. Frustrating.
So what now? More doctors, yes. But, this. I want to blog my experience because maybe someone out there is going through the same thing and could use a little encouragement. Maybe you’re that person. I don’t want sympathy, and I think I can say that for all of us. I don’t want pity. Right now I want answers, but I’m not getting them, so here I am. I’ll be writing about my experiences and hopefully build a community of people who can come alongside each other and feel loved, even if our bodies hate us half the time. I’m with ya sister (or brother). Hang in there friends. Like one of my doctors said lately, there is so much that we don’t know about our bodies yet. Keep on going. Rest when you need to and don’t feel bad for it. You’re doing great.